


you'll never be alone.

by jodieoswald



Series: thirteenth doctor [17]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Guilt, LGBTQ, Lesbian, One Shot, Reader-Insert, Self-Hatred, burden, if you need the doctor to help you through dark times, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 10:56:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20406580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jodieoswald/pseuds/jodieoswald
Summary: depression has taken its toll on you, and you decide to miss out on an adventure. the doctor notices you're not yourself, and comes to check on you.trigger warning: theme of mental health & depression throughout





	you'll never be alone.

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written stuff in sooo long so i'm sorry if this isn't great!

The TARDIS doors opened, revealing an array of colours and textures patterned together to create a beautiful, _alien_ landscape. Ryan, Yaz and Graham all reacted speechlessly; Yaz's mouth dropped, Ryan's eyes widened, and Graham shook his head in disbelief. The Doctor relished in the variety of actions as she did every time the TARDIS doors opened to a new planet. You'd usually join in with your own gobsmacked face, however, something about it had become _indifferent. _Not that it had become second nature, as if it wasn't _enough_. The thought of a new alien planet not being enough to stir emotion within you filled your gut with dread. In fact, something that felt similar to dread had been sitting in your stomach for the past week, and that feeling wasn't unfamiliar. 

You felt a lot before you'd started travelling with the Doctor, and hadn't felt it since then ─ about half a year back. The wonders of the Timelord and her spaceship were enough to distract you from falling down that route again, until now, as it had crept into your life again, unannounced. It was an endless pit in your stomach, an underlying _ache_, ridding you of your appetite and humour and everything in between until you were numb to any sense of life. It tore you down, stealing your energy, leaving you to either cry yourself thirsty or to stare at a wall, your eyes a drought. 

The Doctor hopped out onto the dusty ground, checking the gravity and oxygen levels with her hands and feet, as the rest of the team joined her. "C'mon, gang! Lots to see, people to meet..." She babbled on, until Ryan interrupted:

"People to save, you mean?" 

It was true, wherever you went there seemed to be lives in danger.

The Doctor scoffed in fake disbelief, "A _very _small minority," She began to walk and the rest joined her. You dragged behind, gulping often to keep the tears at bay.

You _hated _feeling like this, and you hoped the Doctor hadn't realised your drop in involvement during the past week or so, as you despised the idea of being so vulnerable in front of someone like her. It felt like a burden as well as being a coward in front of someone so brave. 

As the five of you walked closer to the town that the blonde wanted to show everyone, you decided that today wasn't a day to be sulking about and slowing everybody else down. You doubted they even wanted you here in the first place. You couldn't do the adventure today. So, you pulled the Doctor aside.

"I'm going to have to sit this one out today, I'm sorry," You gulped. "I think I'm ill," 

"Oh, Y/N," The Doctor's eyes mellowed. "The TARDIS will look after you. We'll see you after, okay?"

You nodded slowly, mustering up the best sad smile you could to conceal any deeper emotion behind it. 

* * *

It had been a few hours since you'd returned to the ship. You'd positioned yourself in your bedroom and ignored any beeps or whirling noises the TARDIS gave to receive any indication on your well-being. The ache in your stomach hurt, so fucking bad, as you sat on top of your duvet, and let your thoughts devour all of you, letting the hours tick by. Why couldn't this feeling end? You'd been given the life that people would kill to have, a woman out of a fairy tale, and yet you were here, sat on your bed, whilst your friends were exploring the wonders of the universe, wallowing in this feeling. How ungrateful. But what else could you do? You didn't know yourself. It had been so long since you felt like yourself. You began to know nothing beyond the confinement of sinking into depression more and more as days went on, bottling it up. One day it'd become too much.

In the distance, over the hum of the ship, you heard the creak of the front two doors fling open into the console room and happy chatter. They'd obviously won against whoever was the enemy. A few minutes later, there was a knock at your door. You answered from your bed and the door opened slowly. 

"How are you?" The Doctor closed the door behind her and sat on the end of your bed. 

"Yeah, fine," You looked at her with lifeless eyes.

"I'm 2000 years old, Y/N, I know that isn't the truth." She shifted closer to you.

You gulped. "I didn't feel like coming out today,"

The Doctor looked at you with a worried look. She could see through you. You gave in, and continued to explain:

"I haven't been feeling great recently. I used to feel like this before we travelled and it stopped for a while," You avoided her eye. "I feel numb all of the time. Everything that I used to care about or enjoy now means nothing to me. I have no motivation to carry on anymore and I don't want to ever talk about it because I'm terrified of being a burden or a coward," Tears welled up in your eyes, and this time, you let them fall. "Everything is so shit, and I feel so ungrateful for being like this. I _hate _it so much and it's so scary because I don't know if I'll ever.." You let out a sob. "If I'll ever feel happy again,"

Every thought and emotion that had been contained within you in the past week flowed out of you with your tears and whimpers. You broke down the tallest wall between you and your situation for the Doctor. It was terrifying to be that vulnerable. 

The blonde didn't mutter a word. Instead, she gently wiped your tears away with her sleeve and wrapped her arms around you. The soft rhythm of her two hearts calmed you down.

A few minutes drifted by. Sobs had halted, and so the woman moved closer to you. 

"You're so strong, Y/N. To talk to me about this is so strong," She ran her hands through your hair, your face in the crook of her neck. "It's okay to feel like this. It's entirely okay. You're allowed to take breaks here whenever you want. But just promise me you won't miss out on an adventure because you think you're a burden. You're never a burden. We missed you so much today. I missed you so much today. We're going to get through this together, okay? It won't be done overnight, it'll take time, but you won't be alone. You'll never be alone." 

She pulled away from you and stroked your cheek as you wiped away your tears. You muttered a thank you through your sniffles.

"It's the least I could do for you, Y/N,"

Your heart fluttered. 

"It's best if I leave you to rest," the Doctor started to leave. 

"Well, you could always... stay?" You stuttered.

"If you insist..." the Doctor chuckled. She took off her coat and turned off the light, and slid under the covers as you did. 

You draped your arm over her stomach and rested your head on her chest, drifting off into a peaceful sleep together. 

**Author's Note:**

> well fuck why was that so difficult to write??????


End file.
